Diane Keaton has really been getting under my skin lately. Well, maybe it's been longer than just lately. I think this has been going on for some time now, but I just can't put my finger on exactly when it started. Let's say...it has been off and on for about two years? Maybe.


Anyway, you might be wondering, "How does Diane Keaton make the Butterfly crazy?"

I could say it has something to do with her need to make every character she portrays on film gesticulate like a psychotic mime addicted to amphetamines. It seriously makes me want to grab her god damned flailing arms and strap them to her sides with duct tape...But no, that's only part of it.


I could also mention the positively shrill and hysterical quality that her voice takes on whenever one of her characters is having some sort of neurotic breakdown. Because I mean, really, can you think of any part she has played over the years that did not incorporate this performance?? I honestly think that she is not playing parts anymore, but rather making extended-cameo appearances in films as herself. Except, it's more than that...


I could talk about her perpetually bad posture and how she sort of slouches while jutting her hips forward in a most irritating way...Is this her body's idea of an endearing pout for the spine? It's not sexy, stop it, stop it right now! My former ballet teacher, Ms. D'Aubray Goncharoff would be appalled and promptly throw Diane out of her class if she saw this crap.


I may point out -- what I strongly suspect might actually be written into her contract -- a stipulation that all of her costumes are to involve numerous clothing layers above the waist, ridiculously voluminous skirts and a copious helping of scarves. She looks so bundled and uptight that it makes me constipated to look at her on screen. And, this wardrobe issue brings me agonizingly close to the one thing that makes me most insane about Diane Keaton...

Have you ever noticed that this woman has a serious, serious, SERIOUS addiction to belts? Not just belts, but belts so wide that they'd almost be suitable for use during weightlifting? Diane, dear, you need help. Step away from the belts!


For example, I was watching Because I Said So tonight on cable. On a whim, I decided to count how many times she wore an insane belt. [You can try this same game yourself with any of her movies, like a fashion drinking game!] And, I am positively alarmed to report that she was wearing a belt wider than 2 inches (more like 3-4 inches!) count 'em -- on NINETEEN separate occasions, with the exception of ONE time where she had a belt that was approximately 1 1/2 inches wide, and another scene in which she was wearing her belted bathrobe (which may or may not count, technically) -- all in the same film! That's TWENTY-ONE extremely-belted moments. Jesus Christ. I think she was wearing no belt in perhaps five (?) scenes...not much more than that, I assure you.


Boy, let me tell you, Diane can work a belt into ANY situation. She can NOT do Formal Wear without a menacing belt (as seen in the first two pictures above.) She will do it over a thick series of shirt layers (third picture)...she will do it over blazers and coats (fifth picture which is actually a real life occurrence - but you can just as easily see the same thing in Because I Said So too!)...And last, but not least, her crowning achievement? At left, incorporating a huge belt into a wedding gown -- which by the way, also makes use of the bundled-buttoned-shirt-with-scarf motif!


Listen lady, I'm all for a signature style. But, fuck. Change it up once in a while, will ya? The Annie-Hall-thing had to be phased out of all women's wardrobes at some point, now you need to phase out this "crazy Diane" business, too. Really. It's time.


[ Photo credits: Picture #1, Picture #2, Picture #3, Picture #4, Picture #5, Picture #6 ]

Labels: annoying, clothes, crazy, dianekeaton, movies, pet peeves, photos, scary